291 lines
9.7 KiB
HTML
291 lines
9.7 KiB
HTML
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<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd">
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<html xmlns="http://www.w3c.org/1999/xhtml">
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<head>
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<title>Evolution</title>
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<style type='text/css'>
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/* GENERAL */
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* {
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margin:0;
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padding:0;
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}
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body {
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background:#f7f7f7 url(img/bg.png) repeat-x;
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}
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#wrapper {
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width:740px;
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margin:0 auto;
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position:relative
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}
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#header {
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width:100%;
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height:100px;
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background:url(img/header.png) no-repeat;
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}
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#content {
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width:100%;
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padding:5px 5px 25px 5px;
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}
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#footer {
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border-top:1px solid #888;
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padding:1px 5px 10px 5px;
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}
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/* Content */
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#jump {
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float:right;
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margin:0 15px 0 0;
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font:12px arial;
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color:#0000ff;
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cursor:pointer;
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}
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#jump:hover, #jump.hover {
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color:#0002AD;
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}
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#articlepicture {
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width:150px;
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margin:10px;
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float:right;
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background:url(img/apic.jpg) no-repeat;
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}
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#articlepicture p {
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width:144px;
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padding:1px 3px 2px 3px;
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margin-top:155px;
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background:#ddd;
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}
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#galleryheader {
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width:314px;
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height:36px;
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background:url(img/gbg.png) no-repeat;
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margin:20px 0 4px 24px;
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}
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#gallery {
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position:relative;
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margin-left:20px;
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width:676px;
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height:350px;
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border:2px solid #808080;
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}
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#picture {
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position:absolute;
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top:0;
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left:0;
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width:467px;
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height:350px;
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background-color:#d8d8d8;
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background-image:url(img/gallery.jpg);
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background-repeat:no-repeat;
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background-position:0 0;
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}
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#nfo {
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position:absolute;
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top:0;
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left:467px;
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width:207px;
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height:350px;
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font:14px georgia;
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border-left:2px solid #808080;
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background:#e0e0d2;
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}
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#changepicture {
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margin:2px 0 0 2px;
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font:13px georgia;
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color:#333;
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}
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#changepicture div {
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float:left;
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width:20px;
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height:19px;
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margin:0 2px 2px 0;
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padding-top:1px;
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text-align:center;
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background:#bbb;
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cursor:default;
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}
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#changepicture div:hover, #changepicture div.hover {
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background:#888;
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}
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#changepicture div.n, #changepicture div.n:hover {
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background:#666;
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color:#bbb;
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}
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#description {
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position:absolute;
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left:0;
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top:45px;
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padding:3px;
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}
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p {
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font:14px georgia;
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}
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h1 {
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font:22px georgia;
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}
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h2 {
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font:20px georgia;
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}
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h3 {
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font:18px georgia;
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}
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h4 {
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font:16px georgia;
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}
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</style>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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cnum=1
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function changepicture(w) {
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if (w=="<") cnum--
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else if (w==">") cnum++
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else cnum=w*1
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for (i=0;i<cpicdiv.childNodes.length;i++) {
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node=cpicdiv.childNodes[i]
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nhtm=node.innerHTML
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if (node.nodeName=="DIV") {
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if (nhtm==cnum || (nhtm=="<" && cnum==1) || (nhtm==">" && cnum==nop)) {
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node.className="n"
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}
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else {
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node.className=""
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}
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}
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}
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pnumdiv.innerHTML=cnum+"."
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ptitlediv.innerHTML=info[cnum-1][0]
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ptextdiv.innerHTML=info[cnum-1][1]
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picdiv.style.backgroundPosition=((cnum-1)*-467)+"px 0"
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}
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function addnfo(ptitle,ptext) {
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info[num]=new Array()
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info[num][0]=ptitle
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info[num][1]=ptext
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num++
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}
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window.onload=function() {
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// Element Declarations
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jumpdiv=document.getElementById("jump")
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cpicdiv=document.getElementById("changepicture")
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picdiv=document.getElementById("picture")
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pnumdiv=document.getElementById("pnum")
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ptitlediv=document.getElementById("ptitle")
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ptextdiv=document.getElementById("ptext")
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// Jump to gallery
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jumpdiv.onclick=function(){window.scrollBy(0,10000)}
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// Change picture
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nop=13
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for (i=0;i<nop+2;i++) {
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node=document.createElement("div")
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if (i==0) innhtm="<"
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else if (i==nop+1) innhtm=">"
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else innhtm=i
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node.innerHTML=innhtm
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if (i<2) node.className="n"
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node.onclick=function(){if (this.className=="") changepicture(this.innerHTML)}
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cpicdiv.appendChild(node)
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}
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// IE6 fixes
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if (navigator.appVersion.indexOf("MSIE 6")!=-1) {
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jumpdiv.onmouseover=function(){this.className="hover"}
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jumpdiv.onmouseout=function(){this.className=""}
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for (i=0;i<cpicdiv.childNodes.length;i++) {
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node=cpicdiv.childNodes[i]
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if (node.nodeName=="DIV") {
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node.onmouseover=function(){if (this.className=="") this.className="hover"}
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node.onmouseout=function(){if (this.className=="hover") this.className=""}
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node.onclick=function(){if (this.className=="hover") changepicture(this.innerHTML)}
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}
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}
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}
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// INFO
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num=0
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info=new Array()
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addnfo("Embryos","Apparently Potato Bob has the ability to imitate human behavior. If humans originate from embryos, why shouldn't potatoes?")
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addnfo("All alone","Potato Bob is one of a kind. In fact he's so rare that making friends is difficult. While Potato Bob's IQ is like a human's, the next smartest humanato has an IQ equivalent to that of a monkey.")
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addnfo("\"Look!\"","Potato Bob just noticed a large knife coming towards him. Fortunately humanatoes have the ability quickly teleport themselves to another place.")
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addnfo("\"Help!\"","After using teleportation, Potato Bob is always extremely exhausted. It can take up to several days for him to be able to move again.")
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addnfo("A thoughtful potato","Potato Bob regularly stares into blank space thinking about the universe, the mystery of life and, of course, how to avoid boiling water.")
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addnfo("A scared potato","Potato Bob's neck is in fact very thin and breaks easily. Which is why a scissor in the background doesn't really please him.")
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addnfo("Being cool","To attract attention, a humanato must be cool. Really cool. Unfortunately Potato Bob forgot his sunglasses..")
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addnfo("Almost flying","You might not see it, but Potato Bob's weight is close to zero. With secret methods passed down from humanato to humanato, Potato Bob is able to store all excess weight in another dimension. Amazing..")
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addnfo("To go in for sports","Being healthy is very important for a humanato. Potato Bob himself exercises frequently, but a lot of other humanatoes doesn't, which is partly why they die early.")
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addnfo("Resting","Without a good night's sleep, Potato Bob can't survive. For some reason. Nobody knows why. Odd.")
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addnfo("Sending a prayer","Contrary to popular belief, humanatoes do in fact believe in God. Their god is called \"God\" (inventive, right?). Potato Bob is here seen praying for a long and comfortable life.")
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addnfo("Killer look","He's looking at something, but what? It's the camera, which means he's actually looking at YOU! If you eat potatoes, you better stop doing it know, or else Potato Bob is going to, well.. Kill you.")
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addnfo("Sunbathing","If potatoes are in the sun for too long they turn green and isn't eaten. It's the same with humanatoes, except that they lie in the sun on purpose.")
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changepicture(1)
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}
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</script>
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</head>
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<body>
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<div id='wrapper'>
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<div id='header'></div>
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<div id='content'>
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<div id='jump'>Jump to gallery</div>
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<h1>A great discovery</h1>
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<div id='articlepicture'>
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<p>A "humanato"</p>
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</div>
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<p>
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Recently scientists made an amazing discovery while doing some research on how to make better french fries. They noticed that some of the potatoes had taken the form of humanlike creatures. Jack N. Erdbahn, head scientist of the "How To Make French Fries Even Tastier While Keeping The Fat Percent Low And Not Destroying The Original Potato Flavour" research group, explains:<br />
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"It was a schockingly schocking schock. When I looked at Research Potato No. 542109, it looked back at me! Really! Then I tried talking to it, but it didn't answer. It's odd. I was sure it wanted to tell me something."<br />
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Subsequently the research group ordered 1,000,000 potatoes from all over the world. 30 people used 1 month to examine all potatoes, and in the end only a few potatoes qualified as "humanatoes", a new term meaning "humanlike potatoes", invented by peeler Pedro P. E. Elertos after having peeled his 653rd potato.<br />
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Later in a press release, Erdbahn stated that having found a few incredibly manlike potatoes was a great discovery for humanity, and that it would help scientists all over the world understand evolution better.<br / >
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The potatoes which didn't qualify as humanatoes are now being used as practice potatoes for chef students. "Obviously they [the potatoes] can't be eaten, but they serve as good practice for my students" chef Bill C. Ookland states.
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</p><br />
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<h2>Minister laughs at humanatoes</h2>
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<p>When Minister Goodwill of the Catholic Church "Jesus loves you! Church" was confronted with a picture of a humanato, he thought it was a joke. "You know, this was almost as funny as when.. What was his name.. Darnwine..? suggested that humans were once apes. Oh, and those people who claim the Earth isn't flat.. Just how stupid are you allowed to be?" the minister explains, clearly having drunk too much of the altar wine.</p>
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<br />
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<p>A gallery with the most humanlike humanato, named "Potato Bob" after Bob Potato, team manager, can be found below. All photos are copyright © The Potato Research group (but the group have licensed them under <a href='http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/'>CC-BY-SA</a>).</p>
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<div id='galleryheader'></div>
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<div id='gallery'>
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<div id='picture'></div>
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<div id='nfo'>
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<div id='changepicture'></div>
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<div id='description'>
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<h4 id='pnum'></h4>
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<h3 id='ptitle'></h3>
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<p id='ptext'></p>
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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<p style='text-align: center; margin-top: 15px;'>Now also on Uncyclopedia! That simply proves the truth. Click <a href='http://www.uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Humanato'>here</a>.</p>
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</div>
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<p id='footer'>This is not a joke. Humanatoes do exist, and if humanity doesn't watch out, those nasty little potatolike creatures is going to take over the world! I mean it! If you don't believe me, then try to think about this for a moment: Does a potato who has a head, arms and legs and can walk and think seem plausible? It does, right? Well, there you have it.</p>
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</div>
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</body>
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</html>
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